Waiting in my car thinking about what to talk about today. There is so much on my mind. With Easter coming up I feel a bit sad… My fiance downplays the importants of the holiday because he doesn’t see how significant it is for me, but Easter was always a huge celebration in my family. We are a catholic family so church played a role in everthin but it was about the family traditions. The foods and coming together.
This Easter as I look at all the happy posts of bunnies & eggs I can’t help feeling broken. I will see my family Saturday for a group egg hunt for young children. This event is a nie nuetral way to engage them without actually having to interpersonally mingle with them yet. I’m not ready for that. Whn my mother called to confirm I was coming the tols me how happy my sister was I would be there… I can’t seem to stop replaying those words. My sister wouls be happy. The sister who hasn’t called me or bothered with me, wouls be happy… Am I really ready? Do they even care that I am coming? I know we jus startdd talking and I dont even think I would go, but shoukd I have expected to be invited to their Easter on Sunday? Am I being left out?
I miss my fzmily but they make me wuestion my life so much. Then there is the problem of my fiance… My family actually told me that in the time I didn’t speak to them (about 6 months) they suspected me of using hardcore drugs (ex. Heroine). I was disguested. They thought this because of my boyfriend. They blame hin for me smoking cigerettes. For me trying marijuanna in college & drinking in college. If they knew anything about me or him they would know there is not ever an ounce of evidence to back up their claim. In talking with my fiance he was very disturbed by this. He stated they only thought this because I am with him. He was really upset & he is very angry at my family. He hates that they hurt me. He wants to protect me. He says I have a high capasity to forgive others. Im not sure if that’s true… I just know I feel toren in two. One side of me wants my family. The other side wants nothing to do with them. How to I balance that? How do I help my fiance understand?