Waiting for the ‘Other Shoe’

I saw my family. I kept it casual. Everything was surface. They told me stories about birthdays and christmas. Happy moments where people came together for my mother’s happiness. I left that day feeling like I had begun to reconnect with my family… 

As time has continues I have found myself really thinking about our conversations and my heart ached. They told me of these happy memories and all these holidays they spent together, without me. My mother even confessed the family thought I had taken up hardcore drugs… If they knew anything about me that wouldn’t be a thought! Maybe I can never really have a relationship with them. Can it ever bring me anything but pain to contact them? I just don’t know. 

I’ve been having such a good week and I’m almost waiting for something. I have to wonder I bring the pain upon myself. Is it my fault? Did I do something to deserve that? I know logically I didn’t but my heart is torn just the same. I wonder is my family can ever be more than a source of pain. 

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Author: Kenzie

I am a 24 year old Marriage and Family Therapy graduate student at Fairfield University. I graduated salutatorian of my undergraduate class with a Bachelors Degree in Psychology from Mitchell College. I will graduate from Fairfield with my Masters degree in December of 2017. Check me & my cat out on instagram: My Account: @Kenzie_quotes_22 Cats' Account: @Ajaxcheetto Thanks for Visiting!!! πŸ™‹β€πŸ˜ΊπŸ˜Έ Check me out on Deviant Art: http://kenzie-22.deviantart.com

3 thoughts on “Waiting for the ‘Other Shoe’”

  1. I’m sorry you are going through this… it is so complicated when it involves family. I have been and still am in the same position. Family is supposes to be safe, comforting, loving… but for many that is simply just not the case. For me, I feel so much better when I am away from my family, but then I start to feel guilt that I am not seeing them often enough, then when I do see them, I end up feeling anxious, triggered (PTSD) and just generally bad and stressed. It’s hard, but you have to believe in yourself and do what keeps you feeling healthy, safe and secure. I don’t know your story, but based on your tags, if you experienced childhood trauma, then it is not your fault… your feelings are real and valid. We keep going back hoping something will feel different or change. Best wishes ❀

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for your words! I wish you strength in your journey as well. It’s a comfort to not feel like I’m the only one experiencing this. Sometimes it can feel so isolating. This blog really helps me reach out. Thanks for taking the time to comment! πŸ’œ

      Liked by 1 person

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