The fear is real people. I went in today to see my therapist in a very low mood. I just needed someone to hear me. I needed to feel like someone understood where my sadness and sense of loss was coming from. About five minutes in, and tears flowing, she asked the question “any suicidal thoughts?” I nodded yes. The secret was that I ALWAYS have suicidal thoughts. Flashes and images and I imagine if just for a moments, usually when my anxiety and sadness are at their highest. I have never attempted suicide and have never even come close to trying. I get being safe and making sure your client is safe, but today was overkill. My therapist went and go the psychiatrist who harshly told me (as I was explaining what I felt) that I wasn’t using anything they taught me in the months I had been in therapy. I was startled and I felt myself withdraw inward. I no longer wanted to talk. I tried to leave and was told the police would be called one me. Rather than getting to talk about what I needed to, I went through a forced safety check and had to give my therapist the number of my emergency contact (my fiance). My therapist then called him to make sure he would “watch” me over the weekend to assure my safety… I left about 15 minutes before my session was even over. I felt betrayed. I understand that they have to make sure I’m safe, but I just needed to talk to someone… I needed to feel heard and all they heard was I have a suicidal thought or two… All they were thinking about was covering their ass so that they don’t get in trouble just in case I killed myself.
I don’t want to go back… I know I shouldn’t feel that way because they were just doing their jobs… But how am I supposed to honestly talk to them again?