Dreams & Forgiveness

I have been dreaming a lot about my mother latly. They’re never good dreams either. They leave me with an empty feeling when I wake up. I know I had a dream with her in it last night. I remember her shrill voice disappointingly disproving of something I was up to. I try so hard to never let it get to me but the truth is that after a while of rubbing the same spot over and over and over… It bleeds… 

When I had my Reiki session a few weeks ago I talked with the healer about the energy shared from one person to another. She told me that we were each connected by these energy cords and even when we may no longer be “connected” with those same people, this energy can still be stirred up within our own. Sometimes it is necessary to ground yourself and sort of focus on the energy to expell it. The healer talked about expelling the energy peacefully through visualizing cutting the cords that connected their energy with yours. This is a very personal experience and I preferred to visualize pulling like these beauiful glowing energy lights shaped like butterflies that I released into the universe. It was really beautiful. i thanked the energy for the contribution it made to the person I was and am today. I realise this technique isn’t for everyone, but since I talked with her about it, I have been trying to use this technique often. As horrible as my mother’s actions were… She is still my mother. No one may understand, but she’s my mom. I still love her. She still raised me. She still taught me to be a strong and smart women with high values. She may not realize it but the whole reason I’m demanding to be treated better now, is because she taught me I deserve it. I just wish she could see that. I wish she knew what my pain was like. I wish she could empathise and validate that she may have made mistakes. But I’m just wishing now…

In talking with my weekly therapist about my feelings, she has suggested I try to verbally stayed “I forgive you mom” everyday, even if I don’t fully believe it yet. She thinks forgiveness with help me find some peace. I hope she is right because right now there is still a lot of hurt, anger, and pain. So here’s to hoping for fogiveness! May it mend my heart. ❤

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Author: Kenzie

I am a 24 year old Marriage and Family Therapy graduate student at Fairfield University. I graduated salutatorian of my undergraduate class with a Bachelors Degree in Psychology from Mitchell College. I will graduate from Fairfield with my Masters degree in December of 2017. Check me & my cat out on instagram: My Account: @Kenzie_quotes_22 Cats' Account: @Ajaxcheetto Thanks for Visiting!!! 🙋❤😺😸 Check me out on Deviant Art: http://kenzie-22.deviantart.com

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