Fear Over Class

Today in my class we will be doing each other’s genograms. A genogram is basically a family tree that shows interactional relationships between the members. I’m afraid because I have never had to be so open about my life. I doubt my classmate’s genograms will map out the trauma that mine will. To actually have to publically state that I was a victim of sexual abuse as a child terrifies me… But the thought of lying and hiding it away make my stomach turn and my insides burn. To lie and hide my past would be to deny a section of my life that shaped the person I’m becoming. Why should I feel ashamed of what happen to me? It was horrible and people may not want to hear about it, but that doesn’t make it any less important to talk about. As hard as tonight will be, it’s going to be a moment for me. Will I choke up and not be able to stand up for my story, or will I be able to bravely identify myself as a survivor of multiple tragedies. Maybe I’m giving my classmates too much credit too. Their lives could be just as complex as mine. They might be facing this same dilemma of anxious energy related to the truth of their lives and the numerous individuals who could now come to know their secret. I could easily make myself just some normal fake, pretend girl with a family background that would be appealing, but what lesson and presidents would I set then? I would do that over my own shame. I would hide from my own stigma of what I think others might think if they found out about my past and my family. Sometimes I feel like if people really knew everything about my family, no one would want a thing to do with me. My family is selfish and horrible. They are self-centered individualists with an intent to survive no matter who they crush and hurt in the process. Other people don’t matter. Only you matter. In the end even family is expendable. How am I supposed to tell people I come from that but prove that I’m not that? Maybe I don’t give people enough credit. I’m nothing like my family and most people can see that very easily. Still I have such hate and darkness in my background. I don’t like talking about everything that happen to me. I don’t like talking about my family. I’m really not looking forward to doing this genogram project!

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Author: Kenzie

I am a 24 year old Marriage and Family Therapy graduate student at Fairfield University. I graduated salutatorian of my undergraduate class with a Bachelors Degree in Psychology from Mitchell College. I will graduate from Fairfield with my Masters degree in December of 2017. Check me & my cat out on instagram: My Account: @Kenzie_quotes_22 Cats' Account: @Ajaxcheetto Thanks for Visiting!!! 🙋❤😺😸 Check me out on Deviant Art: http://kenzie-22.deviantart.com

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