Nightly Black Hole

For some reason since I was a kid, I can remember staying up till all hours in the night. My mom even told me that when I was a baby, she would wake up in the middle of the night to find me playing quietly in my crib. I never had an enforced curfew or bedtime either. So as an adult I’ve learned to adapt to my crazy sleep schedules. I’ll be up until 2am and then passed out till 10am the next day. That’s my 8 hours a night. My fiancé says it isn’t healthy to have a sleep schedule like mine. Sometimes I have to wonder if he’s right. In the “real world” could I get away with maintaining a schedule like this or would it consume me. My brain realizes the answer but I don’t want to believe it. This is, after all a routine I have kept since I was a child…
I had to pause for a moment as I get real with myself. Because of my OCD I love my routines. They bring me safety and comfort. They reduce my anxiety and it’s easy for me to feel rooted in them. It’s more than just wanting to keep a routine… It’s the anxiety to go to sleep and wake up to another terrifying day. Most of the time I can muddle through it. I have to “man up” or “women up” to be more genderly correct! I have to put all my fears away and hide them. At night they’re the worst. Tomorrow is always just around the corner. My brain is never silent about everything I have to do the next day. Sometimes it keeps me awake… I just think myself into paralysis. Or like tonight I write.
Why does half of me want time to just stop at this moment? Assure me I have nothing to do for just a moment. But that’s entirely improbable and impossible. I just want to have a moment of relief from this anxiety I feel all the time. It’s always sitting there in my chest ready to turn my stomach in knots and rip my brain to pieces. I desperately want a moment to just take a breath and for once, not have to do something. Part of being a grown-up is swallowing your anxiety and just getting through the day, because time doesn’t stop. It never will. While that clock moves, I do too. I have a hard time justifying to myself that blacking out for 8 hours (sleeping) is useful. I always feel like I should and could be doing so much more with that time.
Again I feel the need to pause as I confront the fact that my OCD can manifest intrusive thoughts, thus leading me to compulsively stay up to spite the ill effect it has on my health. I also feel guilty when I wake up. It’s always so late because I “need the sleep” and I feel like I lose half my day waking up late the way I do. It’s such a balancing act. If I can actively recognize what is affected by my OCD and what is rational and good for my health, I can begin to mindfully change my habits. Of course that would mean going to bed and here I am circling around back into my anxiety and fear of going to sleep. It’s a never ending circle and I feel like it never stops. I have to be strong enough to fight it be I’m weak enough to give in…

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Author: Kenzie

I am a 24 year old Marriage and Family Therapy graduate student at Fairfield University. I graduated salutatorian of my undergraduate class with a Bachelors Degree in Psychology from Mitchell College. I will graduate from Fairfield with my Masters degree in December of 2017. Check me & my cat out on instagram: My Account: @Kenzie_quotes_22 Cats' Account: @Ajaxcheetto Thanks for Visiting!!! 🙋❤😺😸 Check me out on Deviant Art: http://kenzie-22.deviantart.com

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