It’s Her Birthday

Today I thought was any other day. Just a nice Sunday to spend with my fiance. Looking at the calender I was corrected as I realized the date. It’s my mother’s bithday. Inside my gut I feel a wrenching feeling as I begin to think about her. It was always about her. Never once was I allowed to “forget” a day dedicated to her. God forbid! I think the sky would have fallen on me then. Crashed all around me and suffocated me for my insolence. It was always all about my mother. Everything had to be just perfect. She had to be treated like she was a queen and she shit gold or something as important. Even now when Im not speaking to her, the date still screams at me. Triggering anxiety that no matter how hard I tried, she always needed more. My mother had boarderline personality disorder. Untreated! My family didn’t beleive in mental health. She always thought she was going to be abandoned and if you weren’t doing exactly what she wanted, you were shit. She was like a black hole. When you got close she sucked you in and escaping was pretty much impossible. Your whole world was dedicated to this giant black void of nothingness. No satisfaction… Never enough… 
Sometimes I wonder if my mother’s untreated mental illness influenced me growing up. I wonder if my OCD was sort of born out of it. Everything had to be so particular with my mother. Knowing exactly what to do and say came so naturally because she groomed me that way. I had to do things a certain way to please her. For her to be happy, I had to sacrifice… In the back of my head I hear some of you thinking she’s your mom and you own her your life. I spent 23 years trying to be there for my mother… I dedicate time and effort. At what point have I paid my dues? When is enough, enough? At what point do I get to have my life?

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Author: Kenzie

I am a 24 year old Marriage and Family Therapy graduate student at Fairfield University. I graduated salutatorian of my undergraduate class with a Bachelors Degree in Psychology from Mitchell College. I will graduate from Fairfield with my Masters degree in December of 2017. Check me & my cat out on instagram: My Account: @Kenzie_quotes_22 Cats' Account: @Ajaxcheetto Thanks for Visiting!!! πŸ™‹β€πŸ˜ΊπŸ˜Έ Check me out on Deviant Art: http://kenzie-22.deviantart.com

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