So Im sitting here in a robe just watching the time slowly click by. I have something to do today but not until 4:00 pm, so here I wait… I hate it! Waiting triggers my anxiety. As I sit here I begin to dread going out. What if I don’t look proffessional enough? What if I screw up? What if I crash when I get into my car? Any terrifying thought that I could muster up rears it’s ugly head as I wait. I’m better when I can just get up and go! It gives me less time to think about what I’m doing. When I have time, I torture myself with what if scenarios. My mind immediatly goes to the worst case scenario and there it gets stuck. It’s like an old record that just repeats the same thing over and over again. It fills my mind with paralyzing fear. Suddenly I don’t want to leave. What if I just call out? My mind looks for anyway to wiggle out of the obligation as the anxiety continues to build in my chest. But I cant! I have to go out today. So I push all those feeling deep into my gut where they rot in my stomach like milk that’s gone sour. Every step outside is a battle but I wont let the anxiety win. I’m a warrior! Even if no one can see my battle, I know I’m winning.
Waiting and worrying is killing me! Every day is a battle! I wish time would just speed up for me once and a while!