A Typical Morning with OCD

A typical morning for me is full of worry and anxiety. I have to fight the urge to just go back to sleep. This morning is a tough one…

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When I open my eyes at about 7 am, my mind begins to work and immediatly the thoughts pour in. They’re loud and already they are screaming at me every little thing I have to do today. Already I am not doing enough to quiet them. This morning it was all too much and I found myself retreating back into sleep. Sleeping was the one time where my mind was silent. However, I found myself feeling unproductive and beating myself up for sleeping that extra hour. How could I sleep when my mind was on full blast screaming the things I had to do? How could I make the decision to sleep when I was already behind in my day? I drifted off for another hour and woke up at 8 am. It was an hour later but my mind was waiting for me. It roared on with vengence and finally I dragged myself out of my safe bed. In the short walk to the bathroom, my mind ferociously bombarded me with my tasks for the day. For the readers information, this was my day off and although I had an appointment at 2 pm, I had the rest of the day to “relax.” I found myself needing to do something to quiet the voice in my head, so I did the dishes. Now I get to wonder if they were done correctly. Did I leave any stains still on them? Should I rewash that one? Should I dry them off and put them away now? I torn myself away from the dishes knowing I was worrying over nothing again. The anxiety didn’t go away as I made my way to the couch. I sat down in the silence of my appartment and found myself overwhelmed with the questions in my mind. They were about every little thing! Did I look presentable? Am I going to make a fool of myself today? Would anyone even notice? Was my hair ok? Do I look unclean? Should I shower? Should I eat? If I eat does that make me fat? Does not eating make me anorexic? Is my boyfriend mad at me? Did I do something wrong this morning? And the questions just keep going. They’re about everything and anything. It’s hard to see where the OCD ends and I begin… 

So now I’m here, writing about my morning like a crazy person. I’m not sure what I’m hoping to get from this, but I know writing about it makes me feel a little better. I feel like I have to tell people what this experience is like. I just want people to understand how hard I’m trying. I want to be more than my OCD but it’s a struggle to get there. I feel safest in the silence and peace I get from sleeping, but I can’t sleep my whole life away…

Author: Kenzie

I am a 24 year old Marriage and Family Therapy graduate student at Fairfield University. I graduated salutatorian of my undergraduate class with a Bachelors Degree in Psychology from Mitchell College. I will graduate from Fairfield with my Masters degree in December of 2017. Check me & my cat out on instagram: My Account: @Kenzie_quotes_22 Cats' Account: @Ajaxcheetto Thanks for Visiting!!! πŸ™‹β€πŸ˜ΊπŸ˜Έ Check me out on Deviant Art: http://kenzie-22.deviantart.com

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