This has to be one of the hardest things I have ever done. I’m not usually the type of person to write for all the world to see. Lately I feel like I need a voice. I have spent a lot of my time keeping the silence & it has become deafening. I spent the majority of my life being silenced.
When I was 8 years old I was abused by my older teenage cousin. I was abused sexually and emotionally for two years. Once my grandmother caught us in the shower. She sent my cousin away and sat me down. I was told how honored I should feel. This twisted women told me what what happening was a gift. She approved of it! Then she sent me to my cousin’s room. She never told my parents. Not that it wouls have mattered at the time. My father was a drunk and my mother was so worried about my dad, she didn’t even notice what was going on. The abuse happen at my house. Right under their noses. I didn’t understand what was happening to me… I wish I did. I wish I could have said no or that this story would have a happy ending but life is more complicated then that. When I began to understand, I was the one who stopped my cousin. I was the one who finally said no more! My cousin told me no one would beleive me. He said they would see that I wanted what happen to me to happen. At the age of 10… I beleived him.
When I was in high school I finally got the courage to tell my mother what had happen to me… She wanted me silenced too. I cried in her arms as I told her what I could bear to. She responded by calling my grandmother and telling her everything I said. I was betrayed. The one time I broke my silence I was betrayed. The next day my mother activly forgot what I told her. She never spome of it again. She didn’t even tell my father. A week later my grandmother called the house to make sure I was alone. She dropped my cousin off unexpectedly. I was stunned when I opened the door. He pushed his way in and stood stunned. He said “I was all messed up back then so if I did anything… You know.” He winked and continued “I’m sorry or whatever.” Then he left. The one time I broke my silence I was revictimised. I swore to never speak of it again. I wouls not be hurt like that again…
When I entered graduate school for Marriage and Family Therapy, I had a course that started making me think about what happen to me. It was called Sexuality and Sexual Dysfunction. We talked about childhood sexual trauma. I decided to break my silence one more time. I gave my mother a second chance. I told her again about what happen to me. I told her that I wanted to tell my dad. My mother claimed to not know how bad it was. She claimed that I wasn’t descriptive enough when I was young and that she just thought I was a willing participant. I was disguested. I was nervous to talk to my father. I didn’t want him to look at me like I was broken. A few months passed. It was around Christmas time. My mother asked me one day “has your father been treating you any differently?” I questioned her and she reveiled to me that she had told him. What she didn’t tell me, was that she told him her version of the story. When I finally talked to my dad I found out that she left out parts to make herself look like a better person. I was hurt and betrayed yet again. She also decided my brother and his girlfriend got to know my story now too, but my mother’s version of the story. I told my father the truth but he couldn’t even begin to comprehend what I went through.
My family tried to close ranks and again they told me to stay silent. They told me to “get over it.” It was better and safer to remain silent. I didn’t affect their life if I remained silent. Me talking about what happen popped their bubble that we were “one big happy and perfect family.” Well NO MORE I say. I’m done staying silent. I’m done letting my mother tell my story! I will not be their victim again! I’m a survivor. I have been through a lot. My trama is no more or less important than anyone elses, but I know what I need. At least for now. I need a voice. I needed to tell the world what happened. I don’t know if it will help but I’m doing my best to try to feel better. The first step for me was writing this post. When I publish this, it can’t be taken back or erased. It’s here to be read by anyone. It’s mine and it’s here!